Why is it said that 'It's not what you say, but how you say it'? (The importance of tone and intonation)

Hey, that's an excellent question—it's practically the "core skill" in interpersonal interactions. Many people, including myself, have stumbled in this area.

Think of communication like giving a gift:

"What you say" — This is the gift itself, the content.
"How you say it" — This is the packaging of the gift, your expression, and attitude when giving it.

Now, imagine you're giving an amazing gift (like the latest smartphone), but you wrap it carelessly in old newspaper, frown, and toss it at the other person saying, "Here, take it!" How would they feel? They might completely miss your good intentions, or even feel insulted.

Conversely, even if the gift is just a thoughtfully written card, but you wrap it in beautiful paper, smile sincerely, hand it over gently, and say, "You've been working hard lately, I hope you like this," what the person receives isn't just a card—it's warmth and care.

This is the essence of "It's not what you say, but how you say it." Specifically, it breaks down into these points:

1. Tone and Intonation are the "Couriers" of Emotion

Our words convey information, but tone and intonation convey emotion. And humans are creatures who receive emotion first, then process information.

Take the simplest example: the same phrase, "You're here."

Said happily (rising intonation): Means "I'm so happy to see you! I've been waiting!"
Said flatly (monotone intonation): Means "Oh, you're here. Noted."
Said impatiently (sharp tone): Means "What took you so long? Annoying!"
Said weakly (soft voice): Means "I might not be feeling great, but I noticed you arrived."

See? The words are identical, but the meanings conveyed are vastly different. What the other person receives first is this "emotional package" carried by your tone, then they process the literal meaning. If the emotional package is "negative," even the best content loses its impact.

2. "How You Say It" Determines Trust and Safety

In communication, we subconsciously judge through the other person's delivery: "Is this person a friend or foe?" "Is this environment safe or dangerous?"

A soft, steady, sincere tone: Makes people lower their guard and builds trust. For example, a doctor explaining a condition gently makes the patient feel reassured.
A harsh, cold, sarcastic tone: Immediately triggers the other person's defenses. If you ask a colleague in an accusatory tone, "Can you actually do this job?", their first reaction isn't to think "Can I do it?" but "Who are you to talk to me like that?"—slamming the door on communication instantly.

3. "How You Say It" Gives Your Words "Power"

This is especially crucial in public speaking or persuasion.

Imagine a speaker droning in a single tone and volume throughout a speech. Even with brilliant content, the audience would get drowsy. Their words feel "hollow," lacking vitality.

A skilled speaker, however, masters cadence:

For key points, they slow down and emphasize.
For exciting moments, they raise their volume and speed up.
To prompt reflection, they pause strategically.

These "how you say it" techniques act like "highlights" and "special effects" for the content, grabbing the audience's attention and making the message easier to absorb and remember.

To Summarize, What Exactly Does "How You Say It" Include?

It's actually a "package" containing:

Tone and Intonation: Gentle or forceful? Sincere or dismissive?
Volume: Whispering or shouting?
Pace: Fast-talking or measured?
Facial Expression: Smiling or frowning?
Eye Contact: Avoiding or engaging?
Body Language: Relaxed posture or tense body?

So, we can understand it this way:

Words are the skeleton of communication, while the "how you say it" is the flesh, expression, and soul. It determines whether your words feel warm or cold; whether they are welcomed or rejected.

Before your next conversation, ask yourself: What feeling do I want the other person to receive? Respect, care, or an order? Once you're clear on that, you'll naturally adjust how you speak.