How to manage emotions using first principles?

Hey there. I totally get where you're coming from with this question. We often get "hijacked" by emotions like anxiety, anger, and frustration, feeling like puppets on a string. The term "First Principles" might sound high-minded, like something from physics or business, but applying it to emotional management yields surprisingly good results.

Let me break this down for you in plain language, drawing from my own experience.

What are "First Principles"? Don't be intimidated by the name.

Simply put, First Principles means "digging to the root, getting to the essence."

For example: Others might be thinking about how to build a faster horse (improving on existing foundations), while you directly ask: "What do I truly need? A tool that gets me from point A to point B quickly." This "tool" is the essence, the first principle. Based on this essence, you might invent a car, rather than just giving the horse stimulants.

The same applies to emotions. When an emotion arises, our usual reactions are:

• Suppress it: "Don't think about it, it's nothing." (Pretending the problem doesn't exist)
• Vent it: "I'm so mad!" then binge eating or arguing with someone. (Treating the symptom, not the cause)
• Be controlled by it: Getting stuck in it, replaying it, feeling worse and worse.

These are all like "building a faster horse," just circling the surface of the emotion. First Principles, however, invites us to pause, not rush to react, but instead, like a detective, dissect the emotion to see what "fundamental particles" it's made of.

The "Three Steps" to Managing Emotions with First Principles

When emotions flare up, you can try the following process. It's more like a mental exercise, and with practice, it will become second nature.

Step One: Hit the Pause Button, Become an "Observer"

Emotions are like a storm. When you're in the eye of it, you can't see anything clearly; you're just swept along. So, the first and most crucial step is to extract yourself from the storm.

• How to do it: Take a deep breath. Seriously, it's that simple. Slowly inhale, feeling your belly expand, then slowly exhale. Repeat three to five times. This action itself sends a "calm down" signal to your brain, creating a few seconds of buffer for you.
• Mentally say: "Oh, I notice I'm feeling angry/anxious/sad right now." This phrase is magical; it shifts you from "I am angry" to "I am observing my anger." You are no longer the emotion itself, but its observer.

Step Two: Like a Detective, Dissect the "Scene of the Emotional Crime"

Now that you've calmed down a bit, you can start "solving the case." A complete emotional event can actually be broken down into three fundamental elements:

1. Fact (Trigger): What exactly happened?
2. Belief (Your Interpretation): How do you think about this event?
3. Emotion (Result): What feeling did you ultimately experience?

Our biggest mistake is conflating "fact" with "belief."

For example: You sent an important message to a friend, and they "read it but didn't reply."

• Your immediate feelings: Anger, feeling ignored, anxiety.
• Your usual thoughts: "They definitely don't care about me! Did I upset them somehow? How could they do this to me!"

Now, let's dissect this using First Principles:

1. What is the fact? (Absolutely objective, without any emotional coloring)

   • "I sent them a message."
   • "The system shows 'read'."
   • "I did not receive a reply within the expected time."
   • That's all.

2. What is your belief (your interpretation)? (This is the story your mind automatically processes)

   • "Read but no reply = disrespecting me / not caring about me."
   • "Friends should reply to messages instantly."
   • "They hate me."

3. What is the resulting emotion?

   • Based on those beliefs, you felt anger and anxiety.

Do you see it? What truly makes you uncomfortable isn't the fact of "read but no reply," but your interpretation of it – your "belief" system. This is the "First Principle" we're looking for – your emotions stem from your underlying beliefs.

Step Three: Challenge and Reconstruct Your "Underlying Beliefs"

Once you identify this "belief," you gain agency. You can, like a lawyer, begin to question this belief:

• "'Read but no reply' definitely means 'they don't care about me'?"

  • Could they be in a meeting?
  • Could they be driving?
  • Could they have seen it but need time to think about how to reply?
  • Could they have just glanced at it and immediately been interrupted by something else?
  • (The answer is: there are countless possibilities)

• "Should friends always reply instantly?"

  • Who made this rule? Is it a universal truth?
  • Can you yourself reply instantly to all your friends?
  • Is it a bit unrealistic to demand this of others?

Through this round of self-debate, you'll find that the belief causing you pain is actually very fragile and doesn't hold up.

Now, you can reconstruct a new, more rational belief:

• Old belief: "Read but no reply = they disrespect me."
• New belief: "They might be busy. Everyone has their own pace. One message doesn't define our relationship. I'll do my own thing, and they'll reply when they're free."

Once you adopt this new belief, look back at the "read but no reply" fact. Will you still feel that angry and anxious? Most likely not. You might just think, "Oh, okay," then put down your phone and continue with your day.

See, the fact hasn't changed, but your emotion has. Because you changed the bridge connecting the fact and the emotion – your belief.

To Summarize, It's Like Debugging a Computer

The whole process is like this:

1. Computer freezes (emotions flare up) -> Press Ctrl+Alt+Delete (deep breaths, hit the pause button).
2. Open Task Manager (observe emotions) -> See which program is using 99% CPU (identify if it's "anger.exe" or "anxiety.exe").
3. Right-click, find file location (dissect the event) -> Discover the virus originated from a file you downloaded called "I must be liked by everyone.zip" (find your underlying belief).
4. Analyze and eliminate this virus file (challenge and reconstruct beliefs) -> Ask yourself: "Do I really need to be liked by everyone? Is that realistic?" Then delete that belief.
5. Install a healthy firewall (establish new beliefs) -> "I am primarily responsible for myself; others' opinions are just a reference."

This method isn't about turning you into an emotionless robot; quite the opposite. It's about reclaiming control over your emotions, so you're no longer governed by automatic, irrational reactions. It requires practice; it might feel awkward at first, like learning to drive a stick shift where you're fumbling with everything. But once you're proficient, it becomes your "automatic transmission," allowing you to navigate the road of emotions more steadily and freely.

Hope this explanation helps you!