What is "cognitive dissonance"? How does it lead victims to self-rationalize the manipulator's contradictory behaviors?

Okay, this is an extremely insightful question and represents one of the core struggles for many people caught in complex relationships. Let me explain this in plain language to help you sort things out.

What is "Cognitive Dissonance"? Why Does It Make Us Make Excuses for People Who Hurt Us?

Hi friend. The fact that you're asking this suggests you might be caught in a deeply confusing relationship right now, or trying to make sense of a past experience. Don't worry, you're not alone, and this isn't your fault. "Cognitive dissonance" might sound academic, but it's actually a psychological state we all experience daily. However, in manipulative relationships, it becomes an invisible cage trapping us.

1. What is "Cognitive Dissonance"? - A Simple Example

Imagine you are someone who values health and firmly believes "Smoking is harmful" (This is Cognition A).

But one day, under intense stress, a friend offers you a cigarette, and you find yourself smoking it (This is Behavior B).

At this moment, two conflicting voices battle in your mind:

Voice A says: "I'm a healthy person! Smoking is stupid!"
Voice B says: "But I just smoked."

This contradiction between your belief and your action creates intense discomfort, anxiety, and tension. It's like a computer program glitching, triggering an alarm. This "alarm" is cognitive dissonance.

Our brains instinctively hate this "dissonant" state and will do anything to silence the alarm and restore harmony. How to fix it? Usually, two paths:

Change the Behavior: Stamp out the cigarette and say, "I'll never do that again!" This aligns behavior with belief. (The most rational, but often hardest path)
Change the Belief (Self-Justification): Find an excuse to justify the behavior, distorting the original belief. For instance, you might think:
- "Eh, it's just one cigarette, it's fine." (Minimizing the behavior)
- "My neighbor smoked his whole life and lived to 90!" (Finding counterexamples)
- "I'm so stressed; smoking this cigarette is better than getting depressed, right?" (Elevating the justification)

See how these "excuses" create momentary inner "peace"? By providing a seemingly reasonable explanation for your action, that uncomfortable feeling vanishes. This is self-justification.

2. How is "Cognitive Dissonance" Exploited in Manipulative Relationships? - The Rollercoaster

Now, apply this model to a manipulative relationship, especially one that's hot-and-cold, like a rollercoaster.

In such a dynamic, your mind grapples with two fiercely conflicting cognitions:

Cognition A (The Idealized Narrative): This is often established during the initial "honeymoon" phase, often fueled by intense "love-bombing." He/She treated you wonderfully, showered you with affection, called you their soulmate, making you feel you'd found the person who truly understood and cherished you. You became deeply convinced: "He/She is a kind, loving person; our relationship is special." (Fantasy of Goodness.)
Cognition B (The Harsh Reality): As the relationship deepens, the manipulator's true colors show. They may demean you for no reason, withdraw (silent treatment), lash out, lie, or blow hot-and-cold. Your direct experience tells you: "He/She is hurting me with words and actions, causing me pain and confusion." (Irrefutable Behavior.)

Cognition A ("They love me") and Cognition B ("They hurt me") are fundamentally opposed. This contradiction creates a storm of intense psychological pain, confusion, and anxiety within you—peak cognitive dissonance.

To quell this internal storm, your brain, prioritizing ease, desperately seeks ways to restore balance. Again, two paths lie before you:

Change Cognition A: Accept that "He/She doesn't love me; the initial goodness was a facade. This relationship was/is toxic from the start." (Admitting the disillusoning truth.)
Change Cognition B: Find ways to reinterpret their hurtful behavior, making it seem less damaging or more acceptable, thereby preserving the cherished "Cognition A." (Self-deception.)

Which path seems easier?

For someone already heavily invested emotionally, time-wise, and energetically, admitting Cognition A was wrong feels like total self-annihilation. It's excruciating, meaning:

You admitted you were deceived, fooled about who they really were.
All the love you invested felt wasted, thrown away.
The beautiful future you envisioned crumbles instantly.

This is devastating. Therefore, "changing Cognition B" becomes the brain's much easier, reflexive default choice.

3. Self-Justification: Making Excuses for the Manipulator's Behavior

To desperately protect the core belief "He/She loves me," you frantically engage in self-justification for their hurtful actions. This is the psychological root reason victims make excuses for their manipulators.

You tell yourself:

"He's just stressed from work; that's why he yelled at me." (Blaming external factors, not their character)
"I must have done something wrong to anger him. If I were more considerate, he wouldn't act this way." (The start of victim-blaming, taking responsibility for their behavior)
"He didn't mean to hurt me; he just doesn't know how to express his emotions." (Whitewashing their intentions)
"He apologized afterwards/treated me extra nice later, so he DOES care deep down." (The manipulator's "breadcrumbing" or intermittent rewards provide perfect fodder for justification)
"Look, apart from that incident, he's generally good to me." (Focusing on scattered "good" moments to obscure the pattern of harm)
"Nobody's perfect; every relationship has friction." (Using a universal truth to dilute the specific, damaging behavior)

Each time you rationalize this way, your internal "dissonance" reduces temporarily. You temporarily convince yourself that "they hurt me" isn't really incompatible with "they love me." You feel momentarily safe; the relationship seems preserved.

But what's the cost? Your boundaries erode piece by piece. Your self-worth is slowly consumed. Your ability to judge things accurately and healthily diminishes. The manipulator exploits this innate psychological self-repair mechanism. They use your own need for internal harmony as a weapon to justify aggression, allowing them to harm you repeatedly, while you continually pave the way for them. You absolve them, and blame yourself. Your mind twists the evidence to preserve the relationship at any cost – including gaslighting yourself. You literally betray your own perceptions for a comforting lie.

In other words, cognitive dissonance acts like a psychological "immune system malfunction." Intended to protect our internal consistency, in a manipulative relationship, it gets hijacked by a "virus" (the manipulator). This malfunction becomes turned against your own healthy "cells" (your intuition and judgment), forcing you to rationalize real harm to uphold a false fantasy.

Recognizing this dynamic is the essential first, most critical step out of the trap. It means bravely starting to choose the difficult path: facing the facts instead of your excuses, trusting your gut instinct over the stories you've created to explain away the abuse. Just realizing you've been trapped in this exhausting mental loop can be painful, but it's also profoundly liberating – it's the first sign you might be ready to escape.