What have I done wrong or could improve in this relationship?

Seeing you ask this question, I first want to give you a hug.

Asking this shows you are a very brave person willing to grow. When a relationship ends, we often swing between blaming the other person or completely blaming ourselves. You've chosen to look inward, to reflect and learn – and that in itself is the most commendable first step.

A breakup is like finishing a big exam; now it's time to review the "wrong answers." This doesn't mean you "failed" or that you're a "bad student." It's simply about doing better next time. Below, I've outlined some common "wrong answer sets" encountered in relationships. See which ones might resonate with your experience.

Wrong Answer Set 1: Communication Style

Communication is the lifeblood of a relationship. Often, we think we're communicating, but we're really just "informing" the other person or "venting" emotions.

Are you "expressing needs" or "blaming and complaining"?
- Blaming/Complaining: "You're always playing games, you never spend time with me!"
- Expressing Needs: "I'm feeling a bit lonely today. Could we chat or watch a movie together?"
- Reflect: When you want the other person to change, do you adopt an attacking stance, or do you state your feelings and needs? The former provokes defensiveness; the latter makes it easier for them to understand and accept.
Are you "listening well"?
- Often, when the other person is speaking, our minds aren't focused on "what are they really trying to say?" but rather "how can I argue back?" True listening means setting aside your own assumptions to understand their perspective and feelings.
- Reflect: During an argument, could you accurately restate their main point and feelings? If not, you might not have been truly listening.
Do you tend to "bring up the past" or use words like "always" or "never"?
- "You always do this!" "You never consider my feelings!" Phrases like these essentially kill communication. They negate all the other person's past efforts, turning a specific issue into a personal attack on their entire character.
- Reflect: Are your arguments focused on the specific issue at hand, or do they easily spiral into "ancient history"?

Wrong Answer Set 2: Expectation Management

We all might have an "ideal partner" template in our minds, but real people are living beings, not custom-made.

Do you love "this person," or "the person you imagine them to be"?
- Sometimes, we unconsciously project our own expectations and fantasies onto the other person, hoping they'll follow the "script" we've written. When they don't act according to the script, we feel disappointed and angry.
- Reflect: Have you ever sulked because they didn't "read your mind"? Have you pressured them to like what you like or demanded they meet your standards?
Did you treat them like a "superhero" meant to save you?
- Basing your happiness, security, and self-worth entirely on another person is incredibly risky. It's an unbearable burden for them, and for you, losing them feels like your whole world collapses.
- Reflect: Was your life completely centered around them? Without this relationship, was your own life still fulfilling and vibrant?

Wrong Answer Set 3: Boundaries & Self

A healthy relationship involves two independent souls attracting each other, not one consuming the other.

Did you lose yourself in the relationship?
- To please the other person, you might have given up your hobbies, interests, social circles, or even changed your personality. Gradually, you stopped being yourself and lost the qualities that initially attracted them.
- Reflect: In this relationship, were you still the person with your own friends and passions? Did you constantly lower your boundaries for them?
Did you give them enough space?
- Love isn't control. Checking their phone, blowing up their phone with calls, demanding constant check-ins... these behaviors stem from your insecurity, but they suffocate the other person.
- Reflect: Did you respect their privacy and need for alone time?

Wrong Answer Set 4: Giving & Taking

A relationship is like an emotional bank account; both partners need to make deposits, not just one constantly making withdrawals.

Were your acts of giving "willing" or "transactional"?
- "I'm so good to you, why can't you be good to me too?" When giving becomes a transaction, the relationship sours. You mentally tally every "favor," waiting for repayment.
- Reflect: Were your acts of giving conditional, expecting something specific in return?
Did you recognize their efforts?
- Everyone expresses love differently (consider the "Five Love Languages" theory). You might crave quality time, while they believe working hard to provide materially is love. You feel unloved; they feel unappreciated.
- Reflect: Did you only measure their love by your own standards? Did you try to understand and acknowledge the efforts they made in their way?

Finally, and Most Importantly

Remember, the end of a relationship is never solely one person's fault.

Reflecting on yourself here is a fantastic step. But please don't shoulder all the responsibility. A relationship is a dance for two; when the steps falter, both partners share the reasons.

This review isn't meant to plunge you into regretful thoughts of "If only I had...". It's to help you see clearly:

What is your "emotional pattern"? What role do you habitually play in intimate relationships?
What are your "core needs"? What do you value most in a relationship? Companionship? Understanding? Support? Freedom?
Where are your "deal-breakers" and "boundaries"?

Understanding these will help you express yourself more clearly and choose a more compatible partner in your next relationship.

Treat this experience as a growth lesson. The tuition is steep, but the rewards are significant. Allow yourself to grieve, and give yourself time to process. Then, armed with these valuable insights, become a better version of yourself, ready to embrace a better life and better relationships in the future.

You've got this! You're already on the right path.