What are the 'red flags' I deliberately ignored in this relationship?

Seeing you ask this question, I truly admire your courage. After ending a relationship, looking back at those "red flags" we deliberately or unintentionally ignored is like finding the stone that tripped us in the fog. This process is painful, but it's also the beginning of growth. Don't be too hard on yourself—when we're in the midst of it, we always find reasons for those we love.

Below, I’ll outline some common red flags we might have experienced "selective blindness" toward. See which ones make you think, "Yes, that’s exactly how it felt."

## 1. The "Invisible Wall" in Communication

This might be the most common and easily overlooked. It’s not about not talking, but about words that never truly reach the heart.

"You’re too sensitive/You’re overthinking it": When you express your feelings or concerns, instead of trying to understand, the other person dismisses you as "emotional." This plants seeds of self-doubt, making you hesitant to share your true feelings over time.
Stonewalling during conflicts: Healthy arguments build understanding, but stonewalling is punishment. If they habitually respond to conflict with silence, ignoring messages, or disappearing, it shows no willingness to resolve issues—only to make you submit.
Avoiding important topics: If serious discussions about the future, commitment, or family are met with deflection, topic changes, or "we’ll talk later," it often means you’re not aligned on the relationship’s direction.

## 2. A Severely Tilted Scale of Effort

In a healthy relationship, giving and taking should be roughly balanced.

You’re always the planner: Dates, holidays, even daily tasks—it feels like you’re the project manager while they’re a part-time participant.
Your efforts are taken for granted: Acts of care are rarely met with genuine gratitude or reciprocation. Over time, you forget you deserve care too.
Major differences in financial values: It’s not about right or wrong, but if one is a spender and the other a planner—with no mutual respect—it becomes a long-term landmine.

## 3. Love That Feels Like Control

Some "love" disguises control as "caring," slowly eroding your autonomy and confidence.

Excessive scrutiny of your social life: They resent your friendships (especially with the opposite sex), interrogate you about gatherings, or expect you to shrink your social circle. This isn’t care—it’s insecurity and possessiveness.
Emotional rollercoasters: Their moods swing wildly—sweet one moment, cruel the next. You’re constantly walking on eggshells, fearing the next outburst.
Blaming you for everything: Every conflict somehow becomes your fault. You apologize far more often, sometimes without even understanding why.

## 4. The Most Important Sign: Your Own Feelings

Our minds make excuses, but our bodies and intuition don’t lie. Ask yourself if you ever felt:

Walking on eggshells: Afraid to joke, disagree, or be yourself, constantly bracing for their displeasure.
Drained and exhausted: Time together leaves you tense and depleted, not refreshed.
Losing yourself: Changing your style, hobbies, or dreams to please them, until you barely recognize yourself.
Making excuses for them: Defending their hurtful behavior to others (and yourself) with "But they’re great, it’s just…"

Seeing these patterns means you’re already healing. These "red flags" aren’t about resentment—they’re tools to understand yourself and recognize what you deserve.

Treat this experience as a valuable lesson. Next time these feelings arise, trust your intuition and protect yourself.

Take your time. Understanding the past clears the path forward. You deserve a relationship where you feel safe, respected, and free to laugh freely and be yourself.