What is "Hoovering"? Please list several common Hoovering tactics mentioned in the book.
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What is "Hoovering"?
Think of it this way: Hoover is a very famous vacuum cleaner brand. So the term "Hoovering" is actually a very vivid metaphor. It means that after a breakup or after you've firmly decided to leave someone who has hurt and manipulated you, they try various methods to "suck" you back in, just like a vacuum cleaner sucking dust off the floor.
This typically happens after the end of an abusive relationship (especially with narcissists, sociopaths, etc.). Just as you begin to heal and your life starts getting back on track, they suddenly reappear, using their old tricks to try and pull you back into that painful cycle.
The most crucial thing to remember is this: They do this NOT because they truly love you, miss you, or have "changed," but because they've lost their sense of control over you and the "supply" they drew from you (like your attention, emotional energy, efforts). They feel empty and want to reclaim their "handy" tool. This is purely selfish and manipulative behavior.
Common "Hoovering" Tactics Mentioned in the Book
Jackson MacKenzie details numerous tactics these individuals use in his book ("Psychopath Free"). The core aim of all these strategies is to make you feel guilty, confused, doubtful, and even second-guess your decision to leave. Here are several very typical Hoovering tactics:
1. The Sudden "I Miss You" Message
This is the most common tactic. Perhaps months after no contact, late one night, you suddenly receive a text: a simple "I miss you," "I dreamt about you," or "How have you been?"
- Purpose: This is a low-effort probe. They want to see if you'll respond. If you reply, even just politely, they know they still have a "hook" in you; step two and three will follow.
2. The "I've Changed" Confession/Apology
They reach out unexpectedly with a tearful "confession" or apology. They claim that since you left, they've done deep reflection, realized their mistakes, and are now "reformed," becoming a better person. They might even say, "You made me a better person."
- Purpose: To exploit your compassion and your hope that they could change. To make you think that maybe giving it one more chance will make everything different. Sadly, this is almost always a facade; once you return, the old patterns resurface quickly.
3. Creating a Crisis or Emergency
They abruptly inform you they are seriously ill, a family member is in trouble, they've faced huge problems at work, or they even hint at self-harm or suicidal thoughts.
- Purpose: To prompt you to contact or care for them out of guilt, a sense of responsibility, or fear. Once you engage, you're dragged back into their chaos, and your boundaries are breached again.
4. Using Third-Party Messengers (Flying Monkeys)
Instead of contacting you directly, they use mutual friends, family members, or even your friends to relay messages to you. For example, getting a friend to tell you "He's really been struggling lately," "He misses you so much," or "He actually loves you."
- Purpose: To gauge your reaction, and also to apply social pressure. To make you feel that staying "unforgiving" will make you look bad in front of others. These messengers act like the "Flying Monkeys" serving the Wicked Witch in The Wizard of Oz—tools used to manipulate you.
5. "Can't We Just Be Friends?"
This is a particularly insidious tactic. They act magnanimous, saying things like, "Even if we can't be lovers, I still want to cherish you as a friend."
- Purpose: To remain in your life under the guise of "friendship." This allows them to keep tabs on your life, know if you have a new partner, and manipulate or sabotage you once again when the timing suits them. Maintaining a friendship after an abusive relationship is nearly impossible; this is just an excuse for them to overstay.
6. Nostalgia: Reminiscing Only the "Good" Times
Selectively reliving only the "honeymoon" phase or positive memories. For instance, sending a photo of a place you went together saying, "Remember this place? We were so happy then."
- Purpose: This selective memory tactic aims to make you recall only the intense, loving early stages ("love bombing"), causing you to forget the subsequent pain and abuse. It's intended to soften you up with thoughts of, "But we were happy once."
7. Contacting You on Significant Dates
Sending wishes or messages precisely on your birthday, New Year's, Valentine's Day, or your relationship anniversary.
- Purpose: To remind you "I exist" and remain relevant. To ensure that on days when emotions might already be heightened, you can't fully move on or forget them. This creates confusion, pulling you back into the past just when you're trying to move forward.
In summary, recognizing Hoovering behavior is crucial. It is not love; it's control. When these signals appear, they actually validate how correct your decision to leave was. The best defense is to strictly maintain No Contact: Do not reply, do not answer calls, block all communication channels. Your peace and freedom are infinitely more important than satisfying their selfish needs.