What is "Triangulation" as mentioned in the book? How do manipulators use it to create jealousy, insecurity, and self-doubt?

Okay, let's talk about this thing called "triangulation." It sounds very technical, but to put it bluntly, it's a common manipulation tactic, especially in unhealthy relationships.

---

What is "Triangulation"?

Imagine you and another person having a relationship – like a straight line connecting two points.

"Triangulation" is when a manipulator forcibly pulls in a third "point" (a person or group of people) onto that straight line, turning your relationship into a "triangle."

This "third point" isn't brought in to solve problems, but so the manipulator can achieve their own goals. The manipulator positions themselves as the center of this triangle, controlling the dynamic by playing the other two points against each other.

<br>

How Does the Manipulator Use It to Foster Jealousy, Insecurity, and Self-Doubt?

This tactic is particularly insidious because it's often disguised as unintentional. The manipulator uses these methods to draw you into their trap:

1. Creating a "Competitor" to Make You Jealous

This is the classic move. The manipulator constantly brings up another person in front of you, portraying them as exceptionally impressive, thereby devaluing you.

• Scenario One: Talking About an Ex

  “My ex used to cook really well; she always knew exactly what I wanted to eat.” (Subtext: Your cooking isn't good enough; you don't measure up to my ex.)

• Scenario Two: Praising a Colleague or Friend

  “My colleague, Xiao Wang, just got promoted again. He’s so smart and capable; a lot of people really admire him.” (Subtext: Look at them, now look at you. I have all these impressive people around me, you should feel threatened.)

• Scenario Three: Flirting with Others in Front of You

  At a gathering, they deliberately engage in lively, even somewhat flirty, conversation with another person right in front of you, while watching your reaction.

The Effect: You immediately feel jealous and threatened. To "win back" the manipulator's attention and approval, you might double your efforts to please them, doing things you normally wouldn't. This is how they lock you firmly under their control.

2. "Deploying Troops" (Bringing in External Support) to Foster Self-Doubt

When there is conflict between you, the manipulator avoids direct communication. Instead, they bring in a third party to "arbitrate," making you feel isolated.

• Scenario One: Citing a "Mutual Friend"

  “I told Xiao Li about our fight, and he also thinks you’re too sensitive.” (Subtext: See, it's not just me. It's your problem; everyone thinks so.)

• Scenario Two: Leveraging Family

  “My mom said so too – I’ve sacrificed so much for you, and you just don’t appreciate it.” (Subtext: Even family elders are on my side; you have no grounds to argue.)

The Effect: This causes severe self-doubt. You start thinking: "Maybe it really is my fault? Am I making a big deal out of nothing?" Your judgment is weakened. You feel isolated and become more reliant on the manipulator's perspective. This is a form of psychological abuse.

3. Creating "Imagined Admirers" to Make You Insecure

Sometimes, this "third point" doesn't even need to be a specific person; it can be a vague group of people.

• Scenario: Hinting That They're Highly Desirable

  “New hires keep asking me out to lunch lately; it’s so annoying.” (Saying it's annoying, but perhaps with a hint of smugness). “Lots of people have told me if I were single, I’d be super popular.”

The Effect: This creates intense insecurity. You feel like they could leave you at any time because there are "better options" available. To keep them, you become more submissive, less likely to voice dissatisfaction, afraid that you're "not good enough" and will be abandoned.

To Sum It Up

Ultimately, the core purpose of "Triangulation" is:

• To Control You: To keep you orbiting around them and following their lead.
• To Gain a Sense of Superiority: Seeing you become jealous and insecure feeds their narcissistic need for validation.
• To Evade Responsibility: Distorting problems between you into something caused by a "third party" or "your issues," while the manipulator themselves remains perpetually innocent.

If you find yourself in a relationship where you're constantly being compared to others, feeling like you're constantly competing for your position, or persistently feeling isolated and like "the problem," you are likely experiencing triangulation. Recognizing this is the first crucial step to protect yourself and find your way out.