What is typically the first stage of healing? Why is 'accepting everything that happened as real' so important yet so difficult?

Alright, let's talk about this. It might be the most crucial, and also the most challenging, aspect of the healing journey.

Stage 1 of Healing: Facing Reality, Acknowledging the Wound Exists

The first stage of healing, simply put, is stopping denial and avoidance, and truly admitting: "Yes, this thing really happened."

Think of it like having a deep wound on your body. If you pretend it doesn't exist, or simply cover it with cloth and don't look at it, the wound won't heal on its own. Instead, it might fester, become infected, and cause you even more pain.

The first step in healing is to lift the cloth, look at this wound, and say to yourself:

"Yes, I am hurt."
"Yes, he/she did treat me that way; those words truly were spoken, those actions truly were taken."
"Yes, I do feel hurt, pained, angry, and confused because of this."

At this stage, you don't need to immediately forgive anyone, nor must you instantly figure out "why," and it's certainly not about analyzing what you did wrong. The only thing you need to do is acknowledge the facts and acknowledge your feelings.

It's like using GPS: you must first confirm your current location (acknowledge reality) before you can plot the route to your next destination (begin healing).

Why Is "Accepting That Everything That Happened Was Real" So Crucial and So Difficult?

It sounds simple, right? Just admit the facts? But in practice, it's really, really hard.

Why is it so crucial?

It's the "Foundation" for Healing: If you don't acknowledge what happened, then all your subsequent efforts – like learning how to love yourself, setting boundaries, rebuilding self-confidence, etc. – are like a house built on sand. They will crumble the moment your grip on reality wavers. Only by accepting the facts do you gain a solid starting point.
It Stops the "Self-Attack": When we are unwilling to accept the fact that the other person hurt us, our minds often switch to attacking ourselves to make things logically consistent. Thoughts like these arise: "Am I overthinking this?" "Maybe it wasn't that serious; I'm just too sensitive?" "If only I had/hadn't... wouldn't it have been different?" Once you accept the fact that "his/her behavior was problematic and I was hurt," you can return the responsibility to where it belongs (the other person) and free yourself from endless self-blame.
It Allows You to Truly "Feel": Only when you acknowledge the loss can you begin to mourn it. Only when you acknowledge the injustice can you allow yourself to feel anger. These emotions (sadness, anger, disappointment) are necessary parts of the healing process; suppressing them only prolongs the journey. Accepting reality gives these emotions a "pass" to flow out and eventually flow away.

So why is it so difficult?

Because It Hurts Too Much: Facing the truth means reopening the wound, forcing you to re-experience that excruciating, heart-wrenching pain. Human instinct drives us to seek pleasure and avoid pain, so our brain activates protective mechanisms, instructing us, "Don't think about it, it's too painful." This leads us to subconsciously choose denial, rationalization, or forgetting.
Because It Shatters Our "Perception": Deep down, we are unwilling to believe that someone we once deeply loved, trusted, and gave so much to could hurt us so profoundly. Admitting he/she hurt you is tantamount to admitting "I loved the wrong person" or "I misjudged this person." This destabilizes our faith in our own judgment, and perhaps even our positive view of the world. This cognitive dissonance is extremely painful.
Because We Were "Gaslighted": In many unhealthy relationships, the other person may have persistently distorted reality, telling you, "You remembered wrong," "You're too sensitive," "I never said/did that." Over time, you stop trusting your own memory and feelings. So, when you try to accept "my feelings are real," it feels like battling a voice inside your head that has lived there for so long, constantly denying you. This struggle is naturally arduous.
Because We Fear Losing "Hope": Sometimes, we resist reality because we cling to a shred of fantasy: "If I don't admit how awful he/she is, does that mean there's still a chance?" Accepting reality often means utterly abandoning the fantasy that "he/she will change" or "we can go back to how things were before." This represents a profound loss that demands immense courage to face.

In conclusion, Acceptance ≠ Approval, Acceptance ≠ Agreement, Acceptance ≠ Forgiveness. It is simply about ceasing to fight reality and calmly telling yourself: "Yes, this is how it is."

This is the first step out of the chaotic storm, planting your feet firmly on solid ground. Although this step is difficult, once you take it, the true healing journey can finally begin.