How to Forgive Others, and More Importantly, How to Forgive Myself?

Hey friend. Reading this question really struck a chord. This is an incredibly heavy, yet profoundly important topic, especially after experiencing the pain of a relationship. Many people teach us how to love, but few teach us how to forgive, especially how to forgive ourselves.

Don't rush. Let's take it step by step.

Part 1: How to Forgive the Person Who Hurt You?

Honestly, this part might sound like it's for the other person, but the core is actually for yourself.

Imagine carrying a heavy, jagged rock on your back. This rock represents your resentment, bitterness, and anger towards them. You carry it everywhere. It exhausts you, makes it hard to see the path ahead clearly, and prevents you from embracing new things.

Forgiving them is essentially taking that rock off your back. It doesn't mean what they did was okay. It doesn't mean you have to reconcile or be friends again. And it certainly doesn't mean forgetting the pain. It means you decide not to let their mistake continue punishing your present self.

So, how do you actually do it?

Acknowledge your pain; don't pretend it doesn't matter. Your sadness, anger, and disappointment are real. Don't suppress them or tell yourself, "It's no big deal." Find a private space: cry your heart out, punch a pillow, or write a letter (that you don't send) pouring out everything you want to say. Getting the emotions out is the first step.
Try to "understand," not "agree." This might be the hardest step. Try to step back and look at why they might have acted that way. Were they immature? Did they have unresolved issues from their own past? Were they cowardly, avoiding facing problems? Understanding does not mean agreeing their behavior was right. It's like watching a movie; you can understand why the villain became bad, but that doesn't mean you support their destruction. When you can glimpse the "human flaws" behind their actions, they stop being a pure monster and become a flawed human who made a mistake. This slowly lessens the intensity of your hatred.
Separate "them" from "what they did." You hate what they did to hurt you, not necessarily every aspect of who they are. Maybe they once brought you joy or were genuinely good to you. Acknowledging those good times doesn't erase the harm they later caused. Separating the person from the act allows for more objectivity.
Set boundaries for yourself, then let go. Forgiving doesn't mean reconnecting or giving them another chance. True forgiveness is saying in your heart: "What you did to me was awful, and I remember it. But I decide not to let it control my life anymore. I wish you well, but we are done here." Then, shift your focus back to yourself.

Forgiving someone is a long process. You might feel you've forgiven them one day, only to feel angry again the next. That's okay. It's normal. Allow yourself to feel the fluctuations and be gentle with yourself.

Part 2: How to Forgive Yourself? (This part is even more important!)

We are often our own harshest judges. After a failed relationship, we torment ourselves:

"How could I have been so stupid to fall for them?"
"If only I hadn't been so demanding/needy ('zuo'), maybe we wouldn't have broken up?"
"I'm useless; I can't even manage a relationship."
"It's all my fault."

This self-attack is often more persistent and damaging than the hurt caused by the other person. Forgiving yourself means stopping this internal war and making peace with yourself.

How?

Treat yourself as your best friend. This is the most effective technique I've learned. Imagine your best friend (or sibling) came to you crying, having gone through the exact same situation. Would you point your finger and yell, "You deserved it! How could you be so dumb!"? No, you wouldn't. You'd hug them, hand them tissues, and say, "It's not your fault. You did your best. You just loved too much, you were too kind." Now, please treat yourself the exact same way. Give yourself a hug. Speak to yourself with the same gentle, supportive words you would use for your dearest friend.
Accept that "the me back then did the best I could." Looking back with hindsight, we all become "Monday morning quarterbacks." But think honestly: given the situation, your understanding, your emotional state, and the information you had at that time, didn't you make the choices you genuinely thought were best? Yes, you did your best. You loved with everything you had then. A bad outcome doesn't mean your effort was wrong or that you are a failure.
View "mistakes" as "tuition paid." This experience caused you pain, but it also taught you something.
- Did it clarify what kind of partner you truly want?
- Did it teach you to better recognize "red flags"?
- Did it show you that loving yourself is the foundation of everything? Write down these lessons and put them somewhere visible. These aren't just mistakes; they're tuition you paid for growth. Since you've paid the price, make sure you learn the lesson, right? That way, it wasn't wasted.
Create a new "self-narrative." You might have labeled yourself "unworthy of love" or a "relationship failure" because of this breakup. It's time to tear off those labels. Do things that give you a sense of accomplishment and control.
- Work out and watch your body become stronger.
- Learn a new skill – cooking, painting, playing guitar.
- Travel to a place you've always wanted to visit. Every time you achieve something, stamp it in your mind: "See, I can take care of myself," "I'm creative," "I'm brave." Use these new, positive labels to replace the old, negative ones.

To Summarize

Friend, forgiveness is a gift you give yourself. Its name is "freedom."

Forgiving others is putting down that jagged rock, allowing you to move forward unburdened.
Forgiving yourself is ending the internal war, allowing you to embrace the unique, albeit imperfect, person you are.

This path isn't easy. But the moment you asked this question, it means you're already on the right track. Give yourself time. Give yourself more love. The road ahead is long. You will encounter more beautiful scenery, and more importantly, you will meet a better, more whole version of yourself.

You've got this.