How do authors view the issue of 'forgiveness'? Is it necessary for survivors to forgive their manipulators to truly heal?

Response content:
Hi there! I'm glad we can discuss this topic. This question cuts to the core and represents one of the most persistent struggles for survivors on their healing journey. Drawing from Jackson MacKenzie's perspectives in his book and my own insights, here's a breakdown.

About "Forgiveness": Must Survivors Forgive Their Abuser to Heal?

The short answer: No, the author believes forgiveness is entirely unnecessary for healing from those who manipulated and harmed you. In fact, forcing yourself to "forgive" might hinder your recovery.

The Core Argument: Don't Rush Toward "Forgiveness"!

We're taught that "forgiveness is a virtue" and "forgiving others sets you free"—advice that applies to everyday conflicts. But Jackson MacKenzie stresses that this "conventional wisdom" is not only irrelevant but harmful when dealing with pathological manipulators (e.g., narcissistic or antisocial personalities).

Why? Consider these points:

1. "Forgiveness" can become self-invalidation.
   After enduring long-term abuse or emotional manipulation, your feelings (rage, grief, confusion) are entirely valid. They’re your inner alarm system signaling: "This is wrong! I’ve been hurt!" Forcing forgiveness at this stage tells yourself: "My feelings are invalid; this wasn’t that bad; I shouldn’t be angry." This becomes a form of self-gaslighting—denying your lived reality and pain.

2. Manipulators don’t deserve "forgiveness."
   Forgiveness presupposes remorse or at least recognition of wrongdoing. Yet pathological abusers often lack empathy or guilt. To them, they did nothing wrong—you are the problem. "Forgiving" someone unrepentant (who may secretly mock you) is absurd and self-betraying.

3. Premature "forgiveness" blurs boundaries and invites re-victimization.
   Quick "forgiveness" disables your internal alarms, making you believe re-engagement is safe. True safety comes from clear boundaries: "This person is dangerous. I must stay away."

If Not Forgiveness, Then What Does Healing Look Like?

The author emphasizes: Healing isn’t about how you treat the abuser, but how you treat yourself. It’s not about "forgiving him" but about "releasing yourself." And "releasing yourself" means:

• Acceptance: Not of their actions, but of reality. Acknowledge fully: "Yes, I was abused. It wasn’t my fault. This person is incapable of change." Accepting reality ends delusion and enables progress.
• Grieving: Let yourself mourn lost time, trust, emotions, and shattered dreams. Don’t suppress anger or tears—anger defines your boundaries and protects you. Feeling these emotions fully detoxifies your spirit.
• Letting Go: Not forgiveness. Release your fixation on the abuser. For example:
  • Stop obsessing over "Why did they do this?"
  • Abandon fantasies of "Maybe they’ll change."
  • Relinquish cravings for "They must pay."
  • Quit stalking their social media.
    Such release reclaims your energy from that black hole, redirecting it toward rebuilding your life.

A Simple Analogy

Imagine the abuser as a 24/7 radio station broadcasting noise and toxic content.

• Forcing forgiveness is like insisting: "Well, this noise is actually pleasant—I’ll learn to appreciate it." Painful and dishonest.
• True healing is finding the radio’s off switch. Or tuning to better channels. You needn’t "forgive" the garbage station or wish it well—just remove it from your world entirely. Initially, you may instinctively reach for that frequency, but gradually, you’ll discover a quiet, beautiful world without the noise. Eventually, you’ll reach indifference. You won’t even waste hatred on them—they’re unworthy of your energy.

That is true freedom and healing.

So release the "must forgive" burden. Your priority is self-care: validate your feelings, reestablish boundaries, rebuild your life. Forgiveness is not mandatory homework.