How does the 'idealize-devalue-discard' cycle operate? Why do victims consistently hold onto hope during the 'idealization' phase?

Okay, friend. This is a heavy but incredibly important topic. Many people have experienced, or are currently experiencing, this painful cycle, often without understanding what's really happening. Let's break it down and talk about it in plain language.

What Exactly is the "Idealize-Devalue-Discard" Cycle?

Think of this cycle like a meticulously choreographed "emotional rollercoaster," but there's only one passenger on this ride—you. The person operating it never actually gets on.

Phase 1: Idealization — "You Are My Whole World"

This is the climb to the peak of the rollercoaster, and it's the most deceptive part of the trap.

What happens? In this phase, they put you on a pedestal. They make you feel like you are their ultimate soulmate, the most special, perfect person in the world. They shower you with unprecedented attention and affection, what we commonly call "Love Bombing."
Specific behaviors:
- Constant, high-intensity contact: instant replies to messages, incessant calls.
- Endless praise—about your looks, your personality, even things you consider flaws become glorious in their eyes.
- Rapidly escalating talk about the future, like "Will you marry me?" or "I want to build a home with you," making you feel you've found "The One."
- They mirror you extensively, acting like you have countless things in common, as if they were your soul-echo.
What do you feel? You feel like you've hit the jackpot, meeting the "perfect" partner. This feeling is intensely powerful, almost addictive. You think, "My god, how is there someone who understands and loves me so perfectly?"

Key Point: This isn't genuine love. It's mirroring behavior. They haven't fallen for you; they've cast you as a "perfect prop" to fulfill their narcissistic needs. They love the idealized version of you—the one placed on a pedestal who, in turn, adores them.

Phase 2: Devaluation — "What on Earth is Wrong with You?"

After reaching the peak, the rollercoaster plummets without warning.

What happens? Once they feel they've "hooked" you, or when their own inner emptiness resurfaces, the idealization shatters instantly. They begin criticizing, blaming, and devaluing you.
Specific behaviors:
- Nitpicking: Traits they once found adorable become "immature"; independence they admired becomes "selfish."
- Stonewalling and distancing: Suddenly ignoring messages, communicating coldly, leaving you in confusion and anxiety.
- Comparing and humiliating: Making deliberate or subtle comparisons to others (e.g., their exes), making you feel worthless.
- Gaslighting: The most insidious tactic. They distort reality, deny their own words or actions, making you doubt your memory and judgment: "I never said that," "You're too sensitive," "You made me do it." Over time, you genuinely question if you are the problem.
What do you feel? Overwhelming confusion, pain, and self-doubt. You think, "What did I do wrong? Why has he/she changed? How can I make things go back to how they were?"

Phase 3: Discard — "You Are Useless to Me Now"

This is the final stop: you get violently thrown off the ride.

What happens? When you can no longer provide the "narcissistic supply" they crave (your admiration, your energy), or they find a new target (a new "perfect prop"), they discard you without remorse.
Specific behaviors:
- Sudden disappearance: Ghosting you completely, blocking all communication channels.
- Callous dismissal: Ending the relationship with brutal words, devaluing you thoroughly, making you believe the breakup is entirely your fault.
- Immediate replacement ('Monkey Branching'): You quickly discover they are deeply immersed in the "idealization" phase with someone new, flaunting it on social media.
What do you feel? Intense shock, heartbreak, betrayal, and a complete collapse of self-worth. Your world feels like it's crumbling.

Crucially, this cycle isn't always a one-time event. Many victims, after being discarded, might find the perpetrator suddenly reappear one day, restarting the "idealization" phase (a tactic called "Hoovering," like a vacuum sucking you back in), trapping them once again in this endless loop.

Why Do Victims Often Cling to the "Idealization" Phase?

You've hit the nail on the head. Why crave that initial sweetness knowing it's poison? The reasons are complex, but key factors include:

The Intensity of the "Idealization" Phase: Healthy, normal love builds gradually like warm water heating up. This starts like boiling water. The feeling of being totally adored by a "perfect" partner creates a massive, drug-like high for the brain. When it vanishes, the craving for that high returns, like withdrawal.
Cognitive Dissonance: Your mind holds two conflicting beliefs: "He/She is the one who loved me most" and "He/She is harming me in the cruelest way." The brain struggles with this conflict and seeks relief by latching onto one belief. Believing "He/She still loves me but is struggling" is vastly easier than accepting "I was manipulated and used from the start." This leads to constantly making excuses for their behavior.
Trauma Bond: This is a deeply distorted attachment formed through intense, repeated emotional swings (heaven to hell). The abuser becomes both the source of pain and your perceived "savior" (promising relief if only they return to the ideal phase). It's similar to Stockholm Syndrome – feeling incapable of leaving your tormentor.
The Trap of Hope: Believing the "Ideal" Self is the Real One: You cling to the belief that the perfected version from phase one is the "real them," and that the devaluation phase is just a result of stress, a bad mood, or "illness." You convince yourself that if you just try harder, are more patient, you can help them become that "perfect" lover again. This is the ultimate illusion because precisely the opposite is true—the cruelty shown during devaluation and discard reveals a far more authentic side of them.
Destroyed Self-Worth: After prolonged devaluation and gaslighting, your confidence and self-esteem are eroded. You genuinely start believing you are inadequate, that you are worthless without them, and unlovable to others. Therefore, clinging to the false memory of the "idealization" phase becomes your only lifeline.

In Summary:

Friend, if you recognize yourself in this kind of relationship, please remember: This is not your fault.

Your attachment to the "idealization" phase isn't because you're foolish or "messed up"; it's because this manipulative tactic deliberately exploits fundamental human weaknesses and our deep craving for love. It's psychological abuse designed to disorient and control you.

Recognizing the existence of this cycle is the first, most crucial step to breaking free. The "perfect" person you miss never truly existed. They were merely a carefully crafted, tailor-made role.