In such a relationship, how is a victim's self-perception and personality gradually eroded? What is the process of transformation from being confident to becoming a 'walking dead'?

Hi there, reading this question made my heart sink. This is indeed an incredibly painful and complex process, often unfolding without the victim's awareness. Let me try to break down this transformation "from confidence to a living corpse" using everyday language.

The Boiling Frog: How It All Begins

Imagine you're a frog placed in a pot of comfortably warm water. You won't jump out immediately because the temperature feels just right, even pleasant. Psychological abuse (PUA) is that water, and the abuser is the one who gradually turns up the heat.

This process succeeds precisely because it doesn’t start by attacking you outright but does the exact opposite.

Stage 1: The "Soulmate" Under a Perfect Filter

Your State: Confident, hopeful, feeling like you've found true love.

This pot of water initially contains custom-made "sugar water."

Excessive Praise and Attention (Love Bombing): They'll put you on a pedestal. Everything about you is perfect in their eyes. You're smart, kind, special, "someone I’ve never met before." This intense focus and approval make you feel like the luckiest person in the world.
Creating the "Fateful Match" Illusion: They'll emphasize countless shared interests, painting you as soulmates. They'll craft vivid visions of a perfect future, making you wholeheartedly believe it.
Lowering Your Defenses: At this stage, all your guard comes down. You’ll share your deepest fears, past traumas, and insecurities. You see this as a merging of souls, but in their eyes, it's future "ammunition" to use against you.

Core Erosion: Your personality isn’t eroded yet, but your judgment is numbed. You mistake the "initial honeymoon phase" for the norm, providing excuses for all future unreasonable behavior: "They're just having a hard day; deep down they love me."

Stage 2: Small Cracks and Seeding Doubt

Your State: Beginning to feel confused, but actively making excuses for the other person.

The water starts heating up silently.

"Joking" Put-Downs: "That outfit makes you look a bit chubby, just kidding!" "How can you even mess this up, silly." These remarks sound like playful teasing, but they're testing your boundaries. If you show displeasure, they'll say you're "too sensitive" or "can't take a joke."
Subtle Accusations: If you go out with friends, they'll seem slightly upset, saying, "I thought you'd spend time with me tonight, but whatever, have fun." This implants guilt, making you feel "Did I do something wrong?"
Planting Seeds of Doubt: They start questioning your friends or family. "Does your friend have a thing for you?" "Does your mom dislike me?" The goal is to isolate you from your support system, brick by brick.

Core Erosion: Self-doubt takes root. You trust your own judgment and feelings less. You start thinking maybe you are "too sensitive" or "overthinking." The first cracks form in your personality.

Stage 3: Systematic Devaluation and Isolation

Your State: Severely damaged self-esteem, constant anxiety, constantly gauging their mood.

The water is now scalding hot, but you lack the strength to jump out because you're isolated.

From "Jokes" to Open Criticism: Previous "banter" becomes routine criticism. Your appearance, competence, friends, family, even your hobbies become targets. They claim it's "for your own good."
Stonewalling and Silent Treatment: Any failure to meet their demands, or any hint of "defiance," results in them giving you the silent treatment. The fear of being abandoned drives you to apologize and appease them at all costs, even when you're not wrong.
Severing Your Support: They successfully convince you that your friends and family are "trying to sabotage your relationship." To "protect" the relationship, you distance yourself from everyone else. Until one day, you realize you have no one left but them.

Core Erosion: Your self-worth is systematically destroyed. You start seeing yourself through their eyes, genuinely believing you are worthless and only tolerated by them. A large chunk of your personality is chipped away. You become dependent and submissive.

Stage 4: Total Control and Personality Reconstruction

Your State: Numbness, terror, feeling like a puppet – a "walking corpse."

The water is about to boil over. You have completely lost yourself.

Gaslighting at Its Peak: You lose grip on reality. They blatantly deny things they've said or done. "When did I say that?" "It's all in your head." You doubt your memory and sanity, wondering if you're going insane.
Absolute Life Control: What you wear, who you see, even how you think – they dictate it all. Your world shrinks to one goal: avoiding their anger. You become a minesweeper, tiptoeing through the minefield of their moods daily.
Loss of All Individuality: Remember what you used to enjoy? Your hobbies, dreams, how you spoke or smiled… All smoothed over. You are no longer yourself, but a soulless appendage. Your words and actions exist purely to placate their reactions.

Core Erosion: Your personality is essentially hollowed out. You cease to be an independent "person," becoming a "functional object" existing solely to serve their needs. Your emotions are numb, your thoughts chaotic, and you have no hope for the future, merely going through the motions daily. This is the "walking corpse" state – your body remains, but your soul feels dead.

To Summarize the Process:

Baiting with Love: Making you drop all defenses through intense devotion.
Testing Boundaries Small: Making you doubt your feelings with "Was I just overreacting?"
Destroying Confidence Through Devaluation and Isolation: Making you believe "I'm worthless, only they will tolerate me."
Hollowing Out Your Soul with Gaslighting and Control: Erasing your identity, turning you into an empty shell living only for them.

Escaping this process is incredibly difficult because it's not just a "breakup"; it's a war of self-reconstruction. If you or someone you know is experiencing this, please remember:

This is not your fault. Your pain is real. You deserve love, not destruction. Seeking outside help (friends, family, therapists) is the first and most crucial step to reclaiming yourself.